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When the going gets sour..what to do

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When the going gets sour..what to do

Post by Lily Ann on Thu Jul 28, 2016 6:40 pm

Whoever you are, whatever you're dealing with, I want you to know that you are not alone. A lot of us have gone through this and have made it out of the madness alive, intact and happy. You will too. Yeah, I'm not dwelling. But I remember wanting to talk to women who went through this interesting life experience and not really finding a whole lot out there on the subject. Sure, there are divorce sites, cheating hubby sites, all that flim-flam/angry chat board groupie thing. But most of those offered up the obvious stuff, and I wanted to know the subtle, little things.Like when you're pregnant, no one really tells you there's a very good possibility that a room full of people will see you poop when you deliver. That's not essential information, but personally, that's good to know.I made a shit-load of errors. I did a lot of things that I shouldn't have, and it would have been really cool to have had someone there to give me a heads-up when I was going about it the wrong way. So here is my little list of information on how tosurvive the trauma of divorce.7 Things To Do When Your Husband Leaves You…by someone who has lived through it.1. Breathe. Duh, right? But remind yourself to do it,do it deeply and often. When we start to freak out we get that panic-stricken breathing thing going on, and that's not conducive to rational thinking. Which you will definitely need to be doing at this point.2. Put your emotional sensor into hyper-drive. You are going to have a million things running through your mind all at once. You are going to want to negotiate, maim, give up, maim some more, accept all blame, pass the buck, yada yada yada. That's all well and good, aslong as you KEEP IT IN YOUR HEAD. Don't say anything, write anything, text anything or email anything before you carefully, thoroughly decide if it's appropriate. Or true. Or self-destructive.I turned to the written word when I wasleft to twist in the wind. I wrote pitiful, awful letters to my wayward husband, wherein I took all the blame for everything bad that had happened in our marriage. I blamed it on wine, on the Internet, on my fat upper arms...I guess in my damaged state of mind I figured that maybe, just maybe if I tookthis one for the team he'd reconsider. In hindsight, I should have ripped theseup instead of handing them over. He kept them, and not only kept them but shared them with the very person who was 1/3 responsible for the demise of our marriage. And that sucks. I still have a pretty pathetic, weepy email from him, sent after he and his girlfriend (his much younger co-worker) had started shacking up, that I printed out and saved. I think it would be...interesting to see the ripple-effect that thing would have if I shared it. But that's irrelevant right now.Lesson learned: Don't let your heart hit send before your brain proofreads. This will be something that requires constant attention. And you will slip. Forgive yourself.3. Open up your own checking accountif you don't already have one. And an addendum to this one: close the joint one, asap. Even if you are one of the rare ones who does get that"fairy tale" ending, it's never a bad idea to have your own bank account. If you do indeed end up divorced, it's wise to get your name off of EVERYTHING thatis joint. I am haunted, to this day, by things that we signed on to as a married couple. I'm not a lawyer nor am I a financial expert (I made myself LOL at this one) but I do think that things may have been a little bit brighter for me, financially, if I had dumped most of the co-sign things right at the start.4. Brace yourself for the fact that if he'sleft, chances are really, really good thathe's got someone else. I denied this one until the proof was physically shoved into my face. When Ithink back on how desperately I tried to patch things up between my husband and I, and all the while he was slinking back to Suzy Homewrecker, I am filled with two things: anger at how stupid I was, and embarrassment. Especially when I consider the little family trips that I begged him to attend. He'd go, alright. He'd bless us with his presence. And we'd have our awkward sex again.If I had known right from the start that he had found a secretary who did way more than order donuts for meetings and answer phones, I could have saved myself a whole lot of humiliation. And I could have started filling out my eHarmony questionnaire earlier (it takes days to complete. Months if you actually read the questions).Anyhoo: Point is, prepare yourself for the worst. You may have already been replaced. Which leads me to my next What To Do (that is actually a what notto do)...5. When you do find out he's been screwing around, don't obsess about her/him/it/them (the "other"). IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER.Keep repeating this one, over and over until it's burned into your cerebrum. I wasted non-refundable hours of my lifewondering who this person was, what she looked like, what her story was, was she hot, was she young or old, did she have kids, what did she have that I didn't??? Waste of time. Because, honestly, who cares a whit about her? All you need to know is that, in the longrun, she has done you a favor. As poor betrayed Addison on Grey's Anatomy once said, "I don't want someone who doesn't want me." Why would you? Lifeis short. Don't waste a precious secondof it giving them another thought.Of course, if kids are involved, you do need to know that they are safe when not in your care. I wasn't thrilled to learn that the person who was now playing Mommy with my kids 4 days amonth was a recently divorced smokerand likes her drinkies, but as far as I know I don't have to worry about their safety (although the head shaving incident was spooky).In my situation, once I did finally see this person face to face, I felt oddly let down. She wasn't a stunner. She isn't ugly, but she wasn't the Jessica RabbitI had pictured in my mind. As one of my friend's husbands said, "She kind oflooks like she was rode hard, and put away wet." So all of that going ape-shitwith curiosity was for naught. It was like waiting for some ominous test results (like the HIV test I took, literally the day after I found out about Secretary) and then finding out it's nothing. Quite literally, nothing.6. Heard about the Divorce Diet? It's real. Take advantage of it if you're chubby. If you are a foodie, like me, this may very well be the one and only time in your life when you truly cannot eat. But you have to, so make sure you don't starve. This was the time in my life when I really used my gym membership to its full capacity. There is no therapy in the world that can beatears full of high-volume kick ass musicand a treadmill. You forget your woes for an hour or so, and all those endorphins will, at the very least, keep you from crying on the way home fromthe club.Trust me, though, the Divorce Diet isn't known for its longevity. After a while, life settles down and you start to feel human again, and your past comforts will do what they have always done best: comfort you. If you are smart, you will keep that gym membership or at the very least, do some sort of exercise several times a week. It will keep all of those feel-good hormones chugging through your system which can help out in many, many areas of day to day life. Like when you realize one of the other things that no one tellsyou....
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Lily Ann

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